Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
