Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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