remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My balls are so social today.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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