Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
