And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
