Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
