The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
