so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
