I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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