They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
