peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
