so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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