i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
