I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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