Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
