Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
