i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
