I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
