Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
