i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
