I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You had me at "let me see your balls"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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