How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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