u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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