My liver just broke up with me...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
