im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
