Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
