she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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