We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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