My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
