you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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