How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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