god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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