I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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