My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
