Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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