Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
