TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
