i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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