I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
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