I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
