on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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