Just fell off a train. Bad.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize