I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
