Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
