I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
last night I used snow as a chaser
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