Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
