If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
