Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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