I hate all girls vehemently.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
And then he peed in my hair
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