I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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