Your mouth is God's brothel.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize