The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
