Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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