Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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