i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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