if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Pooping to opera.
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