you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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