Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
