Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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