Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
