a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
